Ticket to the Past
by hibi
Summary: Kagome just got a ticket to the 15th century, but can she survive long enough among demons, perverts, and clever maids to get back?
1. Getting there

This is the first time I've written a story & the whole word to fanfiction.net thing isn't really working. waaaaa.

A girl looked up at the ceiling.  Her arms were stretched across her bed and the weather was squishing the life out of her in the form of sweat.  Her hair clung in silky rivers, like ebony water.  She was obviously having a hard time getting unconscious; to fall into a dream world where there were no mosquitoes or giant gas balls called sol.  

Maybe it wasn't the weather that was keeping her up.  I_Maybe it's because your father died.  … Kagome, are you listening to me?!!/I_  Mioji you're such a nuisance, maybe I shouldn't have installed you.  Kagome rolled over.  Trying to reach intangible privacy from the voice drumming in her head.  I_Don't blame yourself.  Some people come dumb.  Hereditary, I've heard./I_  A tear dropped from her eye, leading the stream soon to come.  Mioji did the closest thing to a flinch a bodiless computer program could do  Mioji… what should I do.  Da was all I had left… now I'm stuck with you: a pain in the ass, Ma: a mindless social climber, and Souta: her eligible pet.  How am I going to fit into the picture???!!  I_You don't…, here, I've been saving this for a special occasion, and I think this is the time/I._  Her eyes blurred as Mioji took over her visual apparatus.  A large ticket appeared before her.  Mioji, you better get a refund, this says it'll take us from now… to the fifteenth century.  I_Exactly, no time to waste!/I  _ The bed sheets began blowing around her, twisting around her legs and a steady wind began to blow.  MIOJI!!! WHAT THE FUC--

She was in a ditch, full of what seemed like human feces.  GROSS.  Kagome immediately pulled herself out before reality hit her.  People were bustling around her … and the scariest thing was, she couldn't hear Mioji.  Her knees buckled underneath her, and she was once again, among … things that come out of an anus, and she felt like she belonged there.  Basically, thoughts were running along the 'shit' line.  DUMB, DUMB Mioji.  What has she gotten me into… how am I going to get out of---  A frog-like creature was poking her with a curious stick.  Kagome automatically blushed when he poked her bosom area.  Where the hell am I?  Am I even on the same _Planet?_  The frog motioned some buff people over, "She'll do". 

            "What?  … Hey, let go.  I don't know what planet you guys are from but, .. ah!"  Before she knew it, she was in a cart, headed for who knows where at break neck speed.  One thing after another and at this rate today could be long day.

_IYesterday:/I_

"Where are all the servants?" asked the white haired lord.br

"Lord Sesshomaru, if I remember correctly, you um… removed a few on account of treason.  But please be patient, we are getting more from a reliable source by tomorrow morning."  br

"Hm… then could you tie my shoe lace?"  The inu yokai pivoted on one foot with perfect balance, putting his foot in the bowing butler's face.   I_moosh/I_

"Brrrrrrrr… don't you guys have indoor plumbing?"  The women dunked Kagome back into the tub.    
"Don't take gibberish dear, they'll send you to the asylum and give you bad food I_not like that can help those poor helpless dears/I_" Kagome came back out.  "Been there, done that.  So b**don't go talking gibberish/b**".  This puzzled the girl.  She had not heard the first part, because she had been 'dunked'.  She tilted her head, the bad situation must have gotten worse. 

"Take this," the old woman handed her a towel and clothes, "and once your done, meet me outside."  She swished out of the door before her hand shot out and pulled her back.  "Call me Kaede," swish, swish, and she was on her way out again.  A scratchy towel… and a French maid outfit… this shows a lot of culture.  They might not have heated water, but I_obviously/I_ they need to have boob thrusting outfits for working girls.  But seeing as it was the only pair of clothes in the room, she put it on and made it out of the room.  Kaede told her the basics layout of the house with the other newbys and left.  Kagome, being the one that was thrust into the past and without a clue, got stuck with cleaning up the master's room. 

"Isn't it a bit cruel?" whispered a maid to another, "she's just like bait"br

"Better I_her/I_ ass than mine.  Sesshomaru is such a suspicious bastard," with that they both shoved their dusters in front of statues and portraits with an innocent maid demeanor. 

Kagome opened the door and was about to stomp in, when she saw a lump on the bed.  She tiptoed across and peered under the blankets

"yoo-whoooo, anyone home?"  All she could see was a white fluffy, thing.  I_a boa?/I_  It looked so soft and Kagome was about to pet it, when it quickly wrapped around her waist and pulled her under the sheets.  She gulped, no, not a fluffy boa.  She was just inches from Lord Sesshomaru's face.  But before fear could I_really/I_ sink in, she saw the little crescent on his forehead and the little purple triangles on his face.  She tried peeling them off, tattoos?  Oooooh, just like sailor moon!  She stopped when she felt his hand in her hair.  br

"mmmm, Rin, did you pee in the bed again?"  His eyes slowly opened but were blurry and didn't focus.  Definitely a case of the Mondays.  His vision veered toward her unseemly open chest, Kagome blushed and quickly covered it with her hands.  The sudden movement cleared his eyes. 

"Who are you?"


	2. Settling in

a/n: I really don't know how to do this so I put the tag things in case things went wrong bla bla.  as I said, I have no clue what I'm doing.

why do ppl say they don't own inuyasha… when it's obvious?

I obviously don't own inuyasha. 

there are some pretty suspicious people in the world

Recap: "Who are you?"

"I'm Kagome" br

"Are you a whore?  Did father send you?"br

"Whoa, I'm your maid!!---wait a second, your I_father/I_ sends you whores?" His eyes got smaller as he stared at her.br

"None of your business"br

"When you call a lady a whore, I think you've got to elaborate for her why."br

"You're not a lady, you're just a common human."   I_the jerk./I br_

"I'm a woman of refinement and gentle manners, so you better tell"br

"I_I/I_ don't think you're a lady."br

"Merriam Webster does, and he's the one who counts."  He promptly closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.  lame.  br

"Well if you're going to be that way."  Kagome pulled herself out of the fluffy boa's grasp and grabbed a hold of the pillow Sesshomaru's head was on and pulled.  He gave her a warning glare, which she ignored, and continued fluffing up the pillows.  She tugged the blanket, aired it out, and put it on top of the peeved, white haired lump.  Finally, she gave a complementary slam on her way out. 

The rest of the day went by pretty slowly.  A little bit of cooking and nothing fun, and even though she practically did nothing, she was pooped.  Being awake for 24 hours was a new experience for the new maid.  When she reached her bed at the end of the day, she was asleep before her head reached the pillow. 

Kagome woke up groggy.  Breakfast was bland and the sky was grey.  When she came to Sesshomaru's room, it was empty.  the sissy.  By midday, it was raining.  By dinner, Kagome had so much pent up energy, she was going to explode.  Then her guts would hit all the other maids, causing a chain reaction.  But her savior came in the night.  A maid, Maya, poked her. 

"Hey, a bunch of us go to Miroku's place to have fun.  Want to come?"    
"Anywhere but here."  Kagome and five other maids ducked under large leafs and scampered all the way to Miroku's.

The room was dimly lit and Ihuge/I.  It was two stories with a huge open space where people were milling about.  The upper floor was only a 'deck' facing the center ground floor, which was clear of tables and chairs.  The center, actually, the whole building was a mixture of all races and ranks.  Immm, the medieval era's "America"/I  At the corner, there was a group playing…weird music.  It seemed to be an odd cultural blend.  Kagome smiled. 

When she was little, about one or two, her father asked her the most important question in her life.  And Kagome's reply was to nibble on his shoe, and then go slobber on Jackie Chan's new movie and mum's 'teach yourself belly dancing' tape.  Father interpreted her answer as him, fighting and dancing.  The question was if she picked three areas of … art, he would make her the best in each of them.  So, let's say that Kagome could dance her ass off.

Maya and the others had run an errand and had come back.  Each had a long white ribbon tied to their necks.  Kagome gave a quizzical look. br

"We work here."  br

"Oh…"  The musicians had started up a new odd song at which Kagome made an excited smile.br 

"Let's go dance!"  With that, Kagome pulled Maya into the center of the Inon/Idancing crowd.  It was awkward at first but the music crept up on Kagome, until she had no clue what she was doing.  br

"…most likely drugged or drunk," said Miroku from the bar, "but still a hell of a dancer."  He began walking away from the man he'd been drinking with.br

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to go hire her."

She was exhausted and soaking.  Most of the milling crowd had drank the rest of what was still in their glass (and were now drunk) to dance… others had just dumped it out on innocent by standers, and by dancers.  Miroku came up to her and bowed. br

"Hello, you can call me Miroku."  He paused for a moment before leaning in and sniffing her face.  She swore she felt something on her ass.  br

"Are you drunk?" he shouted casually over the loud crowd.br

"No, but you can buy me a drink if you want."  Iunderage, who cares!/I

"Sure" he said while leading her away, meanwhile forming a business proposition.br

"You don't have law enforcement here do you?  Like the Ipolice/I?!" she whispered into his ear… there it was again, something was definitely on her ass.  While she was swatting whatever it was away, she missed the odd look on Miroku's face.  Iis she on drugs?  she doesn't look like she's on drugs.  mentally insane?… hey that's kinda hot…/I  He bought her a large beer to get her started.  br

"Wow, this is an amazing place, yours right?"br

"mhmm.  Hey, what's your name?"br

"Kagome," she said and took a sip, covering her nose with foam. br

"I have a business proposition" br

"hm?"

"You dance like that every night, and do a bit of waitress-ing on the side and I'll give you your tips and a little extra, depending on the crowds."  She smiled, hey this was a holiday right?  Mioji was smart, she'll find away to get me out of here sometime… in the future.  The beer was already getting to her head.  It Iwas/I her first time.  Ayumi, Yuka, Eri, Maya, and … that other quiet girl, had to practically drag Kagome back. 

Kagome slept in.  When she walked into Sesshomaru's room, he was actually in it.  Looking pretty peeved actually. br

"If you're going to come in late drenched in the smell of alcohol and Miroku again, I'm going to have to dump you out onto the streets."  br

"ha.  ha.  I have a headache from all the drinking I did last night, so please don't talk,"  Kagome pretended to groggily lurch across the room doing her chores while Sesshomaru fumed behind his paperwork.  Kagome turned around with her duster and stood in a teasing pose.  "I'm just kidding, don't get your panties in a twist," she lectured while waving the duster in an imposing way, "Anyway, I heard your father was coming to check on your humble abode and all it's residents.  Someone dropped the word that you'd be needing all the pretty faces you can get to convince a certain yokai lord that you aren't … gay."br

"YOU!" br

"yes, it's me."  Sesshy made a bee line towards Kagome and did what is best described as a 'nuggie'.  He got her in a headlock and leaned her backwards as he grounded his knuckles into her noggin while she laughed and screamed at the same time.  All the maids stopped and quickly pressed their ears against the door.  This was the cesspit of gossip.  Meanwhile, a large bulky man dressed in impressive robes entered the house.  He walked up the stairs and over to the door and joined the maids.  br

"Sesshy, this hurts," Kagome pouted.

"Sesshy?"  He narrowed his eyes and just dug in harder. 

"Ahh!"  She lost her balance and toppled over on top of the lord.  The maids and the man rushed in to find Kagome on top of master of the house.  Her back was on his chest and they were both breathing hard… from laughter.  Except, the arm that was around neck had slipped a bit too low.  The man came over and clapped his son on the back and started grinning as he left. br

"FATHER!!!" br

"No need for words Sesshy, apologies for intruding, carry on!" he said over his back.  The maid quietly followed with blushes. 


	3. Moving and Somewhere New

a/n: I might actually have this under control now… with the help of **joyrok**.  I didn't read the document manager like the dumb dumb dumb girl I am.  so!  chapter 3!

**

* * *

**

Moving and Somewhere New 

Miroku's place had gotten… considerably louder the past week.  Kagome could swear she could graph the increase in ear wax build up. 

"amazing…"

"mhmm, did you know it's a proven fact that your ears produce more ear crud if you're overexposed to loud noises?"  Yuka stuck her pinky in her ear to check it out. 

"ahh… two celestial gifts to my orbs!"  Miroku had found them.  "Why might you two not be working?"

….::Pause::….

"Oh My God, Miroku, that lord's son, you know the rich one that arrived last week, he just **dropped his wallet**."

"how clumsy of him, hope he knows we aren't liable."  He began to turn around and while his attention was deterred, the two scampered off with their droopy white ribbons trailing behind them. 

"Kagome, if he dropped his wallet we should go and help him get it back, Miroku won't return it"  _is this girl joking?_

"Don't worry, I'm sure he has more of where that came from."

"Well… I've got to return these to him anyway…"  Yuka slipped something out of her pocket and slithered off, leaving a very stumped Kagome.  Was that a _loincloth_??? 

…? …? …?!

"Puhahahahahahahahahahahhaahaha"  _loincloth loincloth loincloth loincloth loincloth …_

"If you keep laughing like that, you'll kill us all" said Sango from the bar.  She passed the bent over girl a drink.  "Hey, why don't you go and serve the people in room six?  here."  She rolled over to her two orange spongy things and quickly ushered the waitress from public view.

Kagome hiccupped; she was already feeling uncommonly happy and she had, what, a sip of alcohol?  Kagome leaned her back on the door labeled with six tallies and stepped inside.  These were the private rooms for people who wanted to … talk.  They were usually full of drunk heirs and their sweetie pie heiresses but sometimes you ran into some powerful guys talking about all the wrong things.  Little did they know that all the waitresses could barely keep from telling the grocer their 'time of the month' let alone important government secrets.  (Somehow they never found out about their gob opening habits)  Not to mention… even though Miroku made them all wear 'certified' earplugs, they could all read lips.  That's why Kagome liked this part of her job best.  It was like MTV, no, better.  These people had no idea they were being punk'd. 

The inhabitants instantly quieted and stared at her.  She bowed deeply and did a butler arm twirl. 

"Come on, sit with us." a blonde guy greeted while patting his lap.  _too cocky… not to mention, cheesy grin._

"Any other offers?" Kagome looked around hopefully.  All personnel raised their hands, except one guy.  He was sort of scruffy… but was tall and had a wide chest… all in all, the perfect couch.  It was getting late and what's better than to doze and still get paid for it?  She walked over and parked herself on his lap.  A quiet guy across the table gestured to his ears after she poured a round of drinks.  She nodded and stuffed the orange things in her ears.  …hope Eri hasn't used them already.  She dumbly smiled while lazily following the conversation.  _old news…_  She leaned back and dozed.  Although the extensive chest gave a lot of wiggle room, it was harder than her earlier hypothesis.  Hm… she had to be_ tired _if she was thinking about sleeping on a washboard.  She slipped her hands around his neck and languidly napped on his rigid figure. 

            _"Da.  This is bor-ring.  Can't we go home?"  A little girl tugged on a large man's tuxedo.  He carried her away from the prying ears and eyes of his fellow businessmen and women.  _

_            "So my little spy, what have you learned?"  The big man grinned, he loved playing these pranks on other corporate big heads.  _

_            "Da, what is crabs?  … Amelia has them.  Oh, and Francois and his secretary are going to leak out some bad information to make you look bad in front of the board…but you won't let them will you?"  The little girl yawned, getting some of her black hair stuck in her mouth. _

_            "Oh course not…" the man paused to think before breaking out into a grin, "you're a bright girl Kagome.  My father didn't teach me to be as sneaky as you until I was five, let alone lip read Russian." _. . .    

            Kagome was moving.  No, she wasn't moving, but whatever she was on was moving _for_ her.  She opened her eyes and came face to face, with a scarf.  Looking up, she dimly saw the outline of the scruffy boy from the freak house, as Miroku liked to put it.  "I live over…" She tried to prop up on her elbows in scruffy-boy's arms but hit her head on his chin, and was out for the count.

            "Mmmm…" early sunshine was playing across Kagome's face.  She fluttered her eyelashes to gain focus… an action that could bring armies to their knees.  Her view from the bed was very… odd.  She was in Sesshomaru's room. 


End file.
